


I Want to Tell You

by orphan_account



Series: Neptune - Sleeping at Last // Song Inspired Series [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, F/M, Mental Instability, Poor Akaashi Keiji
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2016-10-24
Packaged: 2018-08-24 11:28:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8370469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: One shot inspired by Sleeping at Last's song NeptuneIn which, Akaashi Keiji agonizes over a past he cannot bring himself to share with reader.-------Anxiety tickled his chest sickeningly.  You shouldn't be saying any of this to him.  He should be the one apologizing.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Series theme is "I want to love you, but I don't know how."
> 
> Here is a link to the song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jI71QpD4Ma8

 

 

 

  
_If I time it right the thunder breaks, w_ _hen I open my mouth._

_I want to tell you, but I don't know how._

 

* * *

 

"Akaaaaaaashiii!!! Are you even listening?"  The dark-haired 2nd-year travelled through the university's hallway half-ignoring the over-excited 3rd-year rambling on about volleyball next to him.

Akaashi's mind couldn't have been any further from Bokuto's musings as his thoughts travelled to a familiar place, you.

Akaashi and Bokuto exited and rounded the corner of the school's rustic-style building.  The cool breeze of October swept up orange and red leaves guiding them downward to the damp cement of the sidewalk, but Akaashi wasn't watching them.  Instead his eyes remained glued to the young woman leaning over a thick textbook behind one of the library's numerous panes of glass.

His heart rate picked up when he noticed your small pout.  No doubt you were studying something complicated.  Akaashi let his mind wander and planned to lean over the back of your chair while he cleared up whatever confusion had caused this.

Finals week was approaching its end.  Soon it would be break, and most students would return home to their loving parents.  Akaashi knew how excited you felt about this vacation time, hoping to laze the days away with him.  Uncertainty ghosted through his veins however.

He would give you what he could.

 

* * *

 

"I'm never going to finish studying this in time!"  Your lips puffed out of their own accord, thoughts jumping back to your plan: Trick Akaashi into Finally Sleeping Over. _The name needs a bit of work_ , you admitted.  You leaned forward arms laid out to rest comfortably on the desk with your chin pressed hard against textured wood-pattern of the table.

Your heart sang as you thought about him.  For the past year and a half, the entire duration of your relationship, you had exhausted every method thinkable to get him to stay the night.  At first, you'd assumed it was because Akaashi was a true and proper gentleman.  But it quickly became clear that wasn't the reason, with a multitude of steamy make-out sessions evidenced against it.  Next, you rationalized that he was waiting for the right time, but as the months dragged by, your requests turned down point blank, you started feeling inadequate.  You felt the gravity of his predicament increase with each negation of your request.  Akaashi's heart must have deep gashes, ones that remained painfully open, wounds he wouldn't share with you. 

A dark green bag soon obscured your view to rest almost soundlessly upon the the table's surface.

Attention snapped to the strong hand gripping the bag, an excited hello bubbled up through your chest and threatened to spill from your mouth.  Instead you scrunched up your face, greeting Akaashi with a smile.  The corners of his pink lips lifted, and he raised his thumb to point back over his shoulder to the library's huge doors.

You immediately packed up your things, nearly spilling the contents of your pencil bag onto floor with how quickly you longed to leave with your boyfriend.

Once outside, Akaashi led you down the winding, red, gravel paths, lined with even rows of autumn-kissed trees, back to your dorm.

With the setter settled on your plush-filled couch, you quickly set about brewing tea to sip while the two of you polished off the material for your last exam of the semester.  After 6 straight hours of studying, Akaashi felt comfortable you would pass with a more than adequate score.

Nearly midnight, you took in Akaashi's slightly slumped form, his eyelids weighing down.  You watched as he flinched slightly, pulling his silver phone from his pocket.  A flash of light hit your eyes as the metal caught the soft light of the lamp on your end table.  The setter's whole frame, including the corners of his eyes, sagged down further as he read the text message, his arm dropping down once he finished.

"Akaashi," you commanded he look at you.  "Maybe you could sleep here tonight?"

Akaashi's eyes widened impossibly at your question.  Your stomach dropped like a boulder.  Gaze stuck to the carpet, Akaashi sniffed, the offer wasted.  "You know I can't." His lips drew into a thin line, the ends heavy with certainty.

"I don't understand you, Keiji."  You absentmindedly rubbed your toes together, all of your attention tensely concentrated there, barely breathing as the tension thickened, strangling the room into silence.

Akaashi froze for a moment, his lips floundering slightly.  You waited patiently, looking hopefully in his direction.  Clenching his teeth, he righted himself and started packing up his school bag.  His eyes were stuck to the items on the table though he willed them to look at you.

You watched him stiffly rise from the couch and wordlessly gather his belongings, not a single glance up at you.  Anger broiled through you, coupled with a spiteful sadness.  Your limbs grew heavier.  Midnight suddenly seemed an unfathomable hour.

"Don't you trust me?"  Your voice was barely a whisper, but that didn't stop a frigid shock from crawling down Akaashi's spine.  He knew what betrayal sounded like painted on a person's voice.

His head hung deeply between his shoulders.  "I'm sorry!"  He screwed up his eyes.  Snatching the forest-colored bag, he sprinted from your apartment, stunning you no less had a semi crashed directly into your 4th floor window.  Your tears fell like the shattered glass from the impact, ripping your skin in their nasty, little paths down your face.  Your feelings, like the building itself, crushed right at the foundation.

 

* * *

 

 

After racing from your apartment, Akaashi slowed down only once his front door came into view.  Pressing shaky palms against the rundown frame, his hands fished around in his pocket.  The jingling a jarring signal that what he sought was found.  The door swung forward with a violent lurch, throwing itself open at his touch.  "I'm home," he called out, not that his voice would reach anyone.  

His father stirred mechanically in the corner, dashing over to scald Akaashi's arms with a venomous grip.  "Where have you been, son?!"

"I was out studying with a friend."  Akaashi's body stiffened.  The text he had received from his father's caretaker jumped up in his mind.  _Mr. Akaashi is having a bad episode.  You should return home as soon as you can._

"I was worried sick about you,"  the man nearly sobbed.  "You remember what happened last time you didn't come home."

The setter held in a shaky breath.  He knew what this man would say next, would hear betrayal for a second time that night.  "Your mother nearly died, and it's all your fault."

With a sad inhale, Akaashi addressed the man keeping his voice as calm as he could, "Dad, mom DID die.  That was five years ago."

The hands clenched more fiercely on his biceps.  It didn't matter how many thousand times they had this discussion, the shell of his father would wipe the memory away, like rain on a windshield.

 

* * *

 

 

Akaashi had gone on a sleepover to Bokuto's house one humid spring night.  The rain had been strong that season, softening the earth and causing intermittent floods across the area.  It occurred to him after he had settled down in Bokuto's room, shortly after arriving, that he had forgotten his mother would be coming home today.  She wanted to celebrate his birthday early.  She was driving in especially for him, since she couldn't cancel her busy schedule for the actual day.  His mother travelled frequently for work and often drove down the winding, unpopulated, country roads to reach her destination.

Akaashi had been staring out the window, when a sudden pelting of rain crashed in to and rushed down the glass.

The tune of his phone shocked him.

"Hello?"

His mother's car took a dive off one of the muddy cliffs.  She died upon impact, the life forced out of her.  Akaashi's father, who was admirably devoted to his wife, lost himself slowly over the next few months.  15-year-old Akaashi was stranded.  His father's family helped pay for the care their son needed, but did nothing to help Akaashi tackle the emotional burden of dealing with the man.

And so, Akaashi repeated this conversation with his father over and over, reliving the moment when the voice on the other end of the call sent his stomach careening to his feet and the blame his father lashed out at him, _it was your fault she died, such a selfish son,_ and, on the really bad days, _I wish it was you who had died_.

The changes in his father stirred changes within Akaashi himself.  He likened the forming numbness to what it must feel like to slowly turn to stone.  He might not have even made it this far if it weren't for the extravagant Fukurodani spiker, who seemed to be able to cheer him up out of the darkest of moods.  They never spoke about his situation, but Bokuto knew some of what had happened and left Akaashi to be the one to bring up the topic should he want.  The raven-haired boy was more grateful to his friend than he could ever tell him.  After all, Bokuto had introduced him to you.  Akaashi was just going along with Bokuto's frivolous plan, so the boy could have his 'one chance as matchmaker'.

The angry clenching ceased suddenly as the man stumbled away to the living room, fresh tears glistening in warm rivulets down his wrinkled face.  "She's not dead.  She's not dead. She's not dead."  He repeated the mantra quietly to himself, his voice cracking.

Akaashi heard the caretaker in the other room now.  "Calm down, Mr. Akaashi.  Please take your pill.  It's time for you to rest."

Akaashi never slept anywhere but home after that.

The blame and guilt of his mother's death and his father's devolution, trapped his voice firmly within his body.  He never _was_ able to talk to Bokuto.  Fear seized his insides turning his stomach in uncontrollable waves when he thought about exposing his wounds.  How many times had he tried to tell you, agonizing over the moment your heart broke, the feeling impossible to hide in your expression.

If there is one thing Akaashi knew, it was that he hated himself, hated himself for what happened to his family, hated himself for being the one who remained alive and normal, and hated himself for not being quite normal enough to love you how he wanted, how you deserved.

"I'm sorry," he repeated to himself, a hoarse weight settled right at the back of his throat, lumping against his vocal chords, the same feeling which stopped him from coming clean to you.

_Bzzzzz._

Once again, his phone startled him from his inner world, a phone call.

Your name flashed on the screen, two small hearts adorning both sides.  His burst inside his chest, but he raised the device to his ear.  "Hello?"

Your voice hardly reached his ears, so small and feeble.  "Hi, Akaashi.  I wanted to apologize for earlier."  Anxiety tickled his chest sickeningly.  "I mean...I know I shouldn't have asked that of you.  Sorry, for pushing it."

You shouldn't be saying any of this to him.

_HE_  should be the one apologizing.

He wasn't ready for the tiny sniffle that snuck through from the other end of the phone.  A strange shudder rocked through him.  He willed his body to move, begging the words to flow forth.  Instead, they lodged there choking him, killing his voice as he panted shamefully, his lungs gripped by terror.

Pushing harder at the pain, his lips struggled to form the words, words that would free him from the turmoil chaining him to his miserable existence in this alternate dimension.  He screamed within himself, using his life energy to confide in you, but that would never reach you.

A single, strained word clawed its way past his lips. " _Stop_."

And as his ears took in the sound, to his complete horror, the word sang out angrily, accusatory even.  Sweat coated his furrowed brow.  The gates of his mouth again sealed, and he was unable to clear up the hurtful confusion he hurled at you.

 

"Oh."

 

_Silence._

 

Akaashi clutched at his neck desperately, unable to even force his apology to reach your ears.  You had no idea what was happening on the other end.  _Why won't the words come out?_

 

_Silence._

 

A muffled sob leaked through the earpiece, almost disguised as a cough.  "I'm so sorry."

Akaashi imagined you crumpling to your floor.  He imagined gathering you up in his arms, letting you cry into him to punish himself for what he could not reveal to you, for _hurting_ you.

 

_Silence._

 

Instead, he was stuck in place, would probably rot where he stood.

 

_Silence._

 

He looked back at the screen, but only saw the lonely menu.  Tears poured out, but he didn't fight them.  Humiliation shackled his arms to his sides.  What good would calling you back do?  Give him a chance to hurt you further?  He prayed lightening would strike down and obliterate him on the spot.  One day he would be able to communicate to you, find a way to pour his heart out on the table and hope you would accept him all the same. 

_Why does it always end like this?_

As his eyes dried, he vowed to himself again not to drag you into the mess of his hidden life.  He would never tarnish you like that.  He knew this would backfire.  It was just a matter of time.  The pain would drag on and eventually sweep you away from him too.  His brain told him he was protecting you.

A lick of near pleasure whipped at him for his deplorableness.

"How pathetically noble of you," he chided himself.  The tears were back in full force.

 

"How pathetically noble," he choked.

 

"How pathetic!"

Akaashi's thought of you yet again, hoping you would be alright and rest well, that you wouldn't write him off for the upcoming break.

His hand wavered in front of his phone screen, then fell heavily to his side.  He marched sadly to his bedroom, shutting the door as all of his energy fled.

He dropped like a deadweight to the bed.  Dread speared him, yanking his free will away from his bloodied hands.

He fought against the sleep.

Akaashi's last moment of consciousness still focused on you.  As his lids met, he only hoped he would know what to do when he found you tomorrow.


End file.
